The Very Secret Diaries: Troy
by Satara
Summary: Spin off of Cassandra Claire's LOTR VSDs. But with Troy. Sheds a different and humorous light on what really happened...


The Very Secret Diary of Achilles  
  
Day 1: Damn... Ag sent a kid to wake me up. Had to fight some ugly brute. I had just nailed twins and was having a very good dream, something about running through meadows. Stupid King. Although that little boy was awfully cute, always had a soft spot for youthful, vunerable, innocent boys...  
  
Day 5: Odysseus showed up unexpectedly. Turns out Ag needs me to fight for him somewhere. Some prince took Menelaus' bird. Ody says it'll be the biggest war ever. Great, just what I need. But he walked right in on Patroclos and I playing 'with our swords.' Bit of a squick there...  
  
Day 6: Mum doesn't want me to go to Troy. Something about my glory walking hand in hand with my doom. Hmmm... Not quite sure what that means. But then she gave me milk and cookies, I sure am gonna miss her.  
  
Day 14: Nearing beaches of Troy. Patty keeps whining about wanting to fight. I ain't lettin my bitch near that damn Hector. I heard he shagged all of Apollo's temple boys.  
  
Day 15: Victory on the beach! Damn King Ag, takes all the glory for himself. Ha, like he singlehandedly killed hundreds of Trojans then desrecated the sun- god's temple. Then he took a temple babe I captured. Arg. I refuse to fight for Agamemnon.  
  
Day 16: Had fun watching the Trojans kick some Greek arse. The Myrmidons found a nice hill looking over the battle field, popped some popcorn and brought out my Laz-e-boy. I still can't believe that pansy-ass Paris started this whole war.  
  
Day 17: Went all ninja with a branding iron and got temple babe back. She's a firey one. She ain't too bad either, considering Patty hasn't been up for any sword play. Lets just say Briseis isn't a 'virgin priestess' anymore.  
  
Day 18: Trojans attacked at night. Really screwed up my beauty sleep. I think I'm developing a wrinkle. Damn all this war stress. I need to kill someone... Have decided to sail home tomorrow.  
  
Day 19: Hector got ahold of my bitch! My Bitch! My Patty! He killed my boy! Claims he thought it was me. He just wanted to take away my fun. It was kinda sad seeing him burn. Reminds me of that Usher song... Now I only have one bitch, that 'not so virgin' priestess, Briseis. I would have two, but Eudoras isn't as young as he used to be, plus, I think he fancies Odysseus.  
  
Day 20: Killed Hector. What fun. I feel so much better. Tied him up and dragged him across the field. That's what you get for messin with my bitch.  
  
(later) King Priam snuck into my tent at night. I think Priam is as perverted as his son. Said something about rubbing me down in holy temple water and shagging me rotten. Scared me into giving Hector's body back. Then he threatened to pull out the 'Sword of Troy' if I didn't give him 12 days of peace, I'm really not fond of old saggy balls. No idea how Queen Hecuba can stand them. Then he took my temple babe, and in my grief for giving Hector back, I accidently gave her Patty's necklace. Now I have no one. No one! And no pretty necklace. This war sucks...  
  
Day 25: Bored out of my mind. Stupid 12 days of peace. King Ag is on my back about it. Hey, if he was in my position he would have done the same thing.  
  
Day 27: Odysseus came up with some crazy game of playing hide-n-seek inside a giant horse. A couple people get inside the horse while everyone else goes and hides, then after we count to 100, we come out and find them. Sounds pretty fun. Now we just need to build the horse.  
  
Day 32: Horse is done. I have to be one of the seekers first, why do I always have to be 'it' first??  
  
Day 33: In horse. I think we're moving. Hear a bunch of shouting outside. Maybe the troops are just having some fun, but they should be hiding. It just hit us, none of us in here knows how to count to 100. We're screwed.  
  
(later) Turns out the Trojans thought we went home and left the horse as a present. We gave up trying to count and just hopped out of the horse, and we were in Troy. Then Ody knocked over a torch and set the whole city on fire. Trojans are running around screaming. Off to find Briseis, I just remembered that she has my necklace.  
  
(even later) Found temple babe. She refuses to give necklace back. Then her pansy cousin shot me in the heel. It really hurts. Is that blood? My blood? I'm bleeding! I'm bleeding! I never bleed! Oh no, I think I'm going to faint.... 


End file.
